Sometimes I play songs in my Kitchen.   At times it's cathartic to perform for my appliances, my kitchen windows and bird curtains.

     Jeff (far right) and Tracy Cram (far left) I have known since I was probably the age of their daughter, Payton Cram (the little girl in the middle of the picture) was when she died of Cancer (12).  Payton Cram was always a bright and fun loving girl in my family's church.  When a child dies, we're left speechless with doubts and fears screaming at the cruelness of God. 
     In her last year, Payton went to the American Girl Place in Chicago, she was greated by the staff who made sure she and her family had the best treatment and got whatever they wanted.  She got to meet Mark Schultz and he wrote, "He Is" about Payton's story along with another family's story of a mom battling cancer.  She kept a blog about her experience and would not stop talking about her faith in Jesus.  At her funeral there were around 300 people there and I was so blessed by the stories they told about her last days, I felt like I had to put them in a song. 
     In Walking Payton Home, I really just stitched those stories together with a melody and let it be.  There was one that didn't find it's way into the song, but it so struck me that I have to tell you about it.  As she was passing, she looked up and introduced herself to someone that no one else could see as if she were introducing herself to the angel that ushered into the Lord's arms.  The picture was taken moments later and when her parents posted it on their facebook page, it was titled, "Walking Payton Home". 

Walking Payton Home
© Kelsey Rottiers, 2009
Verse 1
Payton looked into her mother’s blue eyes
Keep my doll, tell her not to cry
I told her that I had to go away
Verse 2
Wake up Paige I wanna tell her I love her
I need one more talk with my baby sister
I want her to know it’ll be okay
Chorus
Oh, it’s time
Oh, when I close my eyes
I don’t want you to cry
Verse 3
Sunday Service on the morning after
They played her song it was empty without her
hmmmm
Verse 4
Paige looked into her Father’s blue eyes
tugged on his hand Daddy why are you cryin
Payton’s singing with Jesus today
Chorus 2
Oh you tried,
Oh
Oh you tried,
Oh when your eyes
Oh you tried
Oh Just close your eyes
it’s okay to cry.

     How to love me was from a string of songs I wrote as an exercise.  As I played it more and more, the irony that surfaced made me love it that much more! 
     The lyrics were directed at an ex-boyfriend, but the heart of the song is really in the chorus, "I don't know what Jesus would do if His love broke his heart in two just like she swore she'd never do."  Then, underlined by the end of the second chorus, "I'm just tired of wasting all my time wishing you could see I'm right and I was worth a sacrifice."
     I suddenly realized the truth.  For so long I had been looking for true love.  I made a list of the qualities I wanted in a man, but what I really wanted and needed was Jesus.  I know that may sound cliche to some of you, so don't miss this.  Without a personal relationship with Jesus, every romance I have falls short and empty.  It only becomes an idol, and when I see that the man I've chosen can't possible meet all my  needs, I feel betrayed.  But no one can love me like the Lord who created me and knows my heart.   If you take away anything from these songs, and these diaries, take this with you. 

How to Love Me
© Kelsey Rottiers, 2009
Verse 1
I wish you’d never said it
Some days I regret I said it back.
I wish you’d thought twice
Oh it might have been nice
To take it slow
Pre-chorus
I wish you weren’t so clueless
I wish I weren’t so lonely
I wish you knew how to love me
Chorus
I don’t know what Jesus would do
If His love broke his heart in two.
Just what she swore she’s never do.
But then I guess he’d hang his head and cry,
And ask his father why; wait in silence for a reply.
Verse 2
As soon as I’m sure that I’m over the worst
I’m knocked off my feet.
There’s no life in the past,
No, we can’t take it back
But in my dreams…
Pre-chorus 2
You see me from a distance
I great you like a brother
All of this pain is over
Chorus
I don’t know what Jesus would do
If His love broke his heart in two.
Just what she swore she’s never do.
But then I guess he’d hang his head and cry,
And ask his father why; wait in silence for a reply
Chorus 2
I’m not sure what all this has to do with getting over you,
It’s just a Bride who slayed a Jew
I’m just tired of waiting all my time
Wishing you could see I’m right
And I was worth the sacrifice.
Tag
I wish you weren’t so clueless
I wish I weren’t so lonely
I wish you knew how to love me.
I wish you knew how to love me.

     Red Wonder Boots was written as a reminder to me that I'm not as helpless as I think I am.  But it turned into something much bigger than that.  I started analyzing the mother/daughter relationships around me and realized how my friends and I all have moms who believe in us so much.  When I'm discouraged, my mom is the first one to tell me that I can do whatever it is I think is impossible.  But, when I try... when I take that first step in the direction of doing that impossible thing, my mom is also terrified on my behalf.   
     As a woman, I know how it feels when you're overcome by emotion on behalf of the ones you love.  This gives me strength and weakness all at the same time.  Like a momma bear defending her cubs, there are some times when we feel this powerful, this crazed with emotion, guarding whatever we treasure, and that's all presented in this song. 
     This was actually one of those songs that sat on the shelf for a while because I didn't know how to finish it.  If it hadn't been for my dear friend, Ashley Norsworthy, acting as editor and producer at the time, pushing me to finish this song, it probably wouldn't have happened.  I'm so glad it's finished, because it's one of my favorites! 

Red Wonder Boots
© Kelsey Rottiers, 2009
I wrap my heart around my wrist
Like a lasso in my hand
I keep a pearl inside my chest
Tormented grain of sand.
I call momma twice a week
She listens to me cryin She says
When they ask me how you be
I just can’t help but smile and say

My princess
In a torn dress
There’s just no keeping her in
She’s out to pick a fight
She’s gonna be alright
We just don’t know if she’s coming home

Amazon Lady
She’s just a baby hungry for the truth
She wants to save the World
She’s a scared little girl
Shaking in her red wonder boots

I tuck the ache inside the lines
Like glue that holds the pieces
And stitch the seam with my design
For record of my grievance.
I let momma hold my head
When I can’t keep it straightened
she say, fix your eyes don’t blink again
let my hands keep you from sinkin in.

Only way she can beat
Some poor boy sweep her off her feet (repeat three times)
He gonna hide her
So no one can find her

Amazon lady
She’s just a baby hungry for the truth
She wants to save the World
She’s a scared little girl
Shaking in her red wonder boots

            I started writing In the Rising Tide after writing several songs about forgiveness.  I've explained at several shows that when I started writing these songs, I really wanted to write my way into forgiveness, which didn't work out very well.  I was hoping that in writing about forgiving I would be choosing that attitude in my mind and that my emotions would follow.  Way too logical.  I was waiting for an epiphany moment, like a bolt of lightning to strike me.  After working and working on this idea, I started to realize that maybe forgiveness is more like a tide rising than lightning striking. 
            There would be weeks when I was okay and I was able to wake up and let go of the past immediately.  But then, it was like the waters receded and it was all I could do just to keep my mind from dwelling on the conversations that lead me to such self-loathing and the remarks that helped get me there.  Someone would say something that gave me peace, or I would have a dream where I would confront those who hurt me and all of my anger would just melt off of me.  This is what I mean by a tide rising.  It comes in waves.  There's a sudden presence of peace out of nowhere and you feel you might actually be okay, followed by a difficult day where it feels like the undertow is sucking you under and you have to fight to stand up.  This series continued for me as I prayed through it that God would ultimately heal my heart and bring me peace.  It didn't happen over night.  But over a season of high tide and low tide all wrongs were washed away and I could move forward in peace. 
            Forgiveness comes from the Lord, I can't manifest it within myself, especially not without His presence in my life.  I can't muster it up, or just put on a good face so no one knows how much it hurts.  I need the Prince of Peace to baptize my heart just like the shore is baptized by the tide. 

In the Rising Tide
© Kelsey Rottiers, 2009
Verse 1
I don’t know how these things happen
But they’re like the rising tide.
I’m riding every wave that’s crashing
Cuz I’ve no place left to hide.
I know the moon will pull me
Till I’m standing at your door
I don’t know just when that might be but I won’t
fight the current anymore
Chorus
Wading in the water
I’m just wading in the water
Verse 2
We were gazing at the stars
But the storm was on it’s way
Now I guess it doesn’t matter, does not matter
Why you decided not to stay.
I wanted you to be my shelter
Keep me ever in your arms
Now I’m just drifting in the ocean
Cuz I won’t fight the current anymore.
Chorus
Wading in the water
I’m just wading in the water
Bridge
It takes time to baptize the shore
In the peace of mind we’ve all stopped looking for
We sink like stones when we try to walk across it
Maybe it’s time we lost it; I think it’s time we lost it
In the rising tide, in the rising tide.
Tag:
I’m here wading in the water
Wading in the water
Wading in the water

Heights & Kites
           

A friend gave me a title and told me to write a song that went with it.  I didn't keep that title, but it did inspire the beginnings of a song.  The title was "The Strings that Tie."  Somehow I thought of a kite and started researching all the bits and parts of your typical kite.  I believe my friend got this title from another song, off- hand I can't think of the singer or the songwriter for it or even the title... a lot of help I am. 
            It's interesting to me that this song went through a few metamorphoses.  For a while it was just words and I had a completely different melody playing in my head.  Then I decided to simplify it and it turned into this up tempo folk song that was unbearably happy sounding for such a desperate song.  At the suggestion of my friend and editor, Ashley Norsworthy, I slowed it WAY down and sharpened the lyrics, added a couple of verses. 
            The entire writing process took over a year for this one, but it's a gem of song and I really treasure the journey I took with it. 
            This was one of those experiences where I really felt like, "This is the song I've needed to hear" by the time I got done with it.  That's when I know it's ready to be finalized. 

Heights & Kites
© Kelsey Rottiers, 2008
Verse 1
Tangled in the strings
That tied me to your spine
The ground had lost my feet
When my fingers met your line
Pre-chorus
You’re like a wave upon the sea,
And I’m a-hangin' from a string
Chorus
Just a-flyin’ away
Verse 2
Tangled in the strings
That tied me to your spine
Dying to believe
That we’d make it if we tried
Pre-chorus
You’re like a wave upon the sea,
And I’m a-hangin' from a string
Chorus
Just a flyin' away
Bridge
You had your eyes on silver lines
Your wings in the clouds
I was the wind that kept your sail
And your frame off the ground
I was running out of air,
My lungs were out of gust
Your dreams could not keep us there
And there was no time to adjust
Verse 3
Tangled in the strings
That tied me to your spine
I’ve lost so many things
Dangling from your heights
Pre-chorus
You’re like a wave upon the sea,
And I’m a-hangin' from a string
Chorus
just a-flyin' away

            A friend once told me the truth when it was the last thing I wanted to hear.  He said, "He's probably over you by now."  It hurt.  But it was true.  Some of the best friends I have are people who are willing to tell me those tough truths. 
            So that night I went home and wrote a song that became a prayer.  I prayed that God would forgive what I could not forget, and with that, acknowledged that I do not have the power to forgive within myself.  Anyway, this became telling of that middle stage in the getting- over- it- process, when you say, I'm over it... probably.  You think it could happen but there are hindrances in the way.  When I sing this song, I remember slowly but surely just letting go, and remembering that God forgives, because I can't forget, and he enables me to move forward in that forgiveness.

            Here's hoping you have a friend who's man enough to tell you what you don't want to hear... even if that friend is a girl. 

Probably; amen
© Kelsey Rottiers, 2009
Verse 1
He’s probably over me by now
Though I don’t know how he excuses himself so easily.
He’s probably over me by now
He won’t care to account for his words like I do
it’s true
Chorus
Probably, probably it’s true
Verse 2
I’m probably gonna let him go.
In a week or so, I’m not gonna care what he thinks,
I’m probably gonna let him go.
Erase his name from my phone, I’m not calling again
the end
Chorus
Probably, probably the end
Verse 3
I’ll probably learn to love myself
And I won’t need his help, cuz we both know he never knew how
I’ll probably learn to love myself
Only time will tell, Lord, forgive what I cannot forget.
Chorus
Probably, probably
Probably, probably
Tag
Amen, amen
Amen, amen
Amen, amen
Probably, amen
Amen, amen

            I've always valued the catharsis in venting.  In those moments when you finally say what you've been thinking whether it makes complete sense or not.  When I started this project of writing, I was trying to "write my way into forgiveness".  My attempt at redeeming a situation that just ripped my heart wide open.  But some things can't be redeemed, and the only peace is found in severing the ties and moving forward without them.  So this song was written in the stage of anger after denial and before acceptance, but it was an important stage.  To express dissatisfaction in the actions of others as well as my own actions for making myself a rug to be trampled.
             I've learned a lot from this song.  It has tokens of wisdom embedded in its strength.  This is the moment when you walk out of the room because you don't trust yourself to really say all you want to say without crying or messing up the words or simply tearing someone to shreds,  but you have to do something.   The words are maybe not spoken to your ex, or whoever, or whatever it was that bended and molded you to its/his/her will, but it is enough that you know. It is enough that you sing them and find a new direction laid out before your feet as you walk away. 

Don’t Make me Cry
© Kelsey Rottiers, 2009
Verse 1
Don’t leave a kiss on my lips
And tell me that I fit
Just the way I am
Don’t make me think I’m the one
You’re jumping a big gun
You’ll never follow through
Chorus
Don’t say you’re in love if you’re not willin
To lay down your life,
Oh you would if you could
But you can’t you don’t try
So don’t make me cry
Verse 2
Don’t call me sweetheart and then
point out my weak heart
So you can walk away
Don’t ease my mind with your lies
When I can’t see your eyes
I’ve heard it all before.
Chorus
Bridge
I’ve had all that I can take of romance
The strings are tied in ways that you can’t see
Until your eyes are opened and your darling leaves you broken
Though you’ve tried your best to show him
a man who wants your heart cannot just love you with his hands
You would if you could, but you can’t
You don’t try
And don’t make me cry!

            Goliath was my first attempt at writing my way into forgiveness.  I had come to a point where I knew that to forgive those who hurt me was the only way to be free of my own prison, but I didn't think I knew how.  Not only did I not know how, I think I had just been shoving things "under the rug" so to speak, and that's not really forgiveness.  The issues are out of sight, but they're still ammunition when you get called to the front lines. 
            So, I tried to forgive vicariously through a song.  And... it was an awful song.  I think it was because I knew I was really just doing the same thing in my song writing, pretending like everything was alright and I knew it wasn't.  Saying I forgave, but still harboring judgment and pain.  Claiming freedom from the inside of a jail cell.  It just didn't work.  So I rewrote and rewrote and rewrote, and about the only way this song started working was when I decided to just be honest with it.  When I decided to let the truth still be the truth.  You don't have to rewrite history in order to let it go.  You don't have to pretend that the things that hurt you didn't hurt at all.  How can the truth hide behind lies? 
            The last verse I think speaks to this the best.  "Oh Goliath to forfeit my right, and beg God for peace just to sleep through the night.  To let it go... Alleluia."  Just a simple desire to let it go.  I once read in a story that the first step of forgiveness is to take your hands off the other guy's neck.  "Forfeiting my right" or what we consider our right to judge and condemn those who have hurt us.  But in order to be freed by forgiveness we must acknowledge that it is not our right to convict and condemn our enemies, that's God's job.  And the only way to be free to forgive is to let God do his job. 

Goliath
© Kelsey Rottiers, 2009
Verse 1
Looking just like Goliath when he played my guitar
But sound like David’s sweet Psalms
On a six-stringed Lyre
And I could die listening
Verse 2
I heard heaven draw near with his Alleluia
My heart joined in with him
The unbroken song
And I could fly singing
Chorus
But even a giant is small
When he is singing Alleluia
Verse 3
I loved Goliath though he was unsure
hushing my fears
With his giant whispers
til I could stop my trying
Verse 4
Dear Goliath walked out the front door
Taking all his I love yous
He Just could not afford
The interest rate rising
Bridge
I wish I knew from the start
I wish I knew from the start
I wish I knew from the start
You were always gonna break my heart
Verse 5
Oh Goliath to forfeit my right
And beg God for peace
Just to sleep through the night.
To let it go
Tag
Alleluia, Alleluia, Allelu
Alleluia, Alleluia, Allelu
Alleluia, Alleluia, Allelu

            Honey Wine was birthed out of many tried and true friendships in my life, but the catalyst was my friendship with a Mrs. Mallory Graham- Ellison.  At the time we were room mates and she was not yet married to her husband, Justin Ellison.  (Mallory also has her own musical project called Mallory Graham thinks about her invisible friends based out of Nashville and is launching a side project with friend and fellow musician, Scott Tyler called The Rough and Tumble. )There seemed to be a wave of depression sweeping through our house of five girls that took over at least one of us for about a week.  It hit Mallory the hardest, and all I wanted to do was make her feel better.   I worked on this song all summer it felt like.  Tweeking, scratching out, sitting on the floor in a corner of the dining room while everyone else was out working.  It was one of my first memories really feeling like I was partaking in something eternal.  I had written songs I liked and I had worked hard on crafting rhymes before, but this seemed a bit different.   Maybe because it was for the defense and encouragement of someone dear to me. 
            I've been noticing that when I stumble upon lyrics that have an eternal impact, it feels like I'm uncovering a deeply buried treasure.  The best part is the meaning extends beyond my own intentions.  I intended this song for Mallory, but it has reached out to many other friends who need to know they're not alone either.  In a community of artists, a song about cheering up a depressed friend goes a long way.  Now, when I sing this song, I think of all of my musician friends whom I pray for daily, and hope to encourage on their journey. 
My favorite part of the song is this:
            "I will watch you like a candle when you're burning with tears that melt up on your face.  I will hold you like a rag-doll when you're tired, till you can stand back up again."

Honey Wine
© Kelsey Rottiers 2008
Verse 1
If I were free
I’d let street lights beam like fireflies.
They’d dance across my windshield
to call down the rain.
I’d lean my head away outside
Open up my mouth so wide
to chase the day that rose your dozing fears up from the grave
Verse 2
If I were brave
I’d catch the wind outside uh my window
I’d drink it in like honey wine
When the sun is sinking low
I’d keep it cupped between my palms
Hold it tight the whole way home
I’d ride the night, until I found you curled up in your chair
Chorus
Lalalalalalalala
Bridge
I will watch you like a candle when you’re burning
With tears that melt upon your face
I will hold you like a rag doll when you’re tired
till you can stand back up again.
Chorus(2X)